You’ve got to give it to us South Africans. Not only are we able to make light of any situation, but we’re pretty damn funny too.
Gumtree selected these gem ads to go in their hall of fame:
Volkswagen Golf for Sale: R20,000
“I have my black VW Golf for sale. Only Rolled once, interior still in very good condition. contact me if interested”
Eastern Pretoria, Pretoria / Tshwane
Wife for sale
“Im selling my wife of two years… She doesnt cook or clean… She doesnt work.. She only eats at spur and wants her own house while i should remain in a flat Make your offer.. Aslong as she is out Lol”
Inner City, Johannesburg
Help shave my legs
“Urgent! Summer is almost here and my legs are hairy as a monkey’s butt from winter, so I am looking for someone to shave it off for me. It’s going to be hot, and I need to shave off my hair jersey. I will pay well. Please note I have serious hair. Lawnmower-breaking stuff. I absolutely hate shaving my legs, and wax hurts too much (I’ve tried).
I’m willing to pay someone to come to my house and shave them for me, maybe twice a week. I’ll take a shower so my legs and hair are clean and soft (or at least as much as possible). But for the initial shave it’s usually most successful if we do an additional good scrubbing when you get here right before we start cutting down the trees, so the first scrubbing and shaving usually takes a few hours. Picture included for to give you an idea of the task at hand. The other times should be more like 30 minutes, but you’re welcome to stay.
I’ll provide all the equipment you’ll need, like shaving foam, body scrub, towels, veet razor, and lotion (for afterwards – gotta get my silk on). All you need is yourself and your awesome shaving skills. The pay is negotiable, but seeing as this is a long term project, maybe I can pay per month. Get in touch and let’s get my legs looking sexy for Tiger Tiger this season! Serious inquiries only. No pervs – I’m all man.”
Bryanston, Johannesburg
Up and coming tattoo artist
“I just built my very own tattoo gun and would love to work on my first client! Up until now I’ve merely been practising on myself, and have perfected the depth technique that doesn’t cause infection through trial and error. Massive discount for being my first client!”
Bloemfontein, Free State
Missing pet turtle: Negotiable
“Our family pet turtle escaped with stealthy ninja quickness under the cover of darkness and an overlooked hole in the fence. Answers to the name Lightning. He could not have gotten far. However, the recent Ninja Turtle movie has only served to emboldened him. He’s very sneaky, and he thinks he’s quite fast, so if you catch up to him and he gives you the stink eye, keep your determination unwavering. Generous reward, but must be returned with shell intact.”
Potchefstroom, North West
1962 International truck-car *Rare Collectors Item*: R10,000
“It has every optional feature that a normal car has:
FWD (Fun While Driving)
Has a disk brake system – front wheels only (weight saving feature)
Has 1 air bag that is in working order (kind of)
Has vintage Oldsmobile dash with tilt cruise and hint of mildew
Manual power seats
Air-Con did work (once)
Lights work (every now and then)
Racing spoiler for that added aerodynamic efficiency
Gullwing style bonnet mechanism
Has alloy (plated) hubcaps
Has a Pontiac Grand Am rear with the original duel exhaust (of a Toyota Corolla)
The car is fuel injected (most of the time)
There are no warning lights showing any cause for concern within the car (they kept flashing so I got rid of them)
Stylish (decorative) emergency lights on roof
4 tone colour scheme
No extra cost for character added by weld spots
I’ve probably put twice as much into this project as what i’m selling for. I’d like to iterate once more how much of a rarity this vehicle is and how popular it is with attracting babes. Absolute chick magnet.”
Gordon’s Bay, Helderberg
Premium South African hail for sale
“Love winter? Want to make it last forever? Well now you can with my premium brand of authentically South African frozen hail. I’ve spent all winter collecting fresh hail from all around the country and then freezing it in my specially design hail freezer. It’s well-packaged for gifts and has plenty of different and interesting uses. Use it in music videos, photos, drinks or anything you can think of! Cool down this summer with your very own South African hail, fresh out of your freezer. I charge R500 per 10kg bag and am willing to negotiate for bulk. I have a ton of hail but I’m sure it will sell out quickly so hurry!
Stay cool, buy hail.”
Port Alfred, Eastern Cape
Parachute for sale
“Used parachute for sale. No strings attached. Used only once.”
Tamboerskloof, Cape Town
Have you seen my cat?
(Posted without a picture.)
“Our darling, adorable kitten has been missing for days now. We are all worried sick about it. Please, if you see her call us without delay to collect the handsome reward. She answers to “Fluffy”.
Polokwane / Pietersburg, Limpopo
KDX for sale: R10,000
“Excellent Condition, Great Runner, low on fuel
Top Speed: 160km/h being towed by car
Brake System: Takkie between fork and front tyre
Average Gas usage: 0 liters per km but heavy on takkies
Have some minor scratches as I fell myself in my moer in being towed and overtaking the car at the stop
Petrol lever sometimes sticks causing some frustration
You need to tighten the chain with a wire so the back wheel will turn freely, otherwise you will fall and die
Paint job is custom faded green from the sun at no extra cost
Overall great condition but the seller takes no responsibility after it leaves the yard
Please note that average speed will depend on how fast you can run and the brakes depends on the quality of your takkies’ soles
Includes emergency brake, if you’re not gonna make it, just put your foot down on the sidestand and lean towards that side for an abrupt stop”
Graaff-Reinet, Eastern Cape
For sale/trade: Hobie Tiger or Boyfriend – both finished 2nd at the Hobie worlds 2013
“HOBIE TIGER OR BOYFRIEND NEED NEW HOME I am looking for a sailor who is crafty, and quick. Someone who can hitch and tow my boyfriends Hobie in 0.1 seconds off of my driveway- alt on Saturday I could arrange for the house to be empty, should the sailor be slow and drunk. Hobie Tiger condition: 10 years old, in good cond. aside from a few dings due to bad driving on the start line Boyfriend condition:- about 49.9 years old, bit shagged out due to a young girlfriend driving him mad about a Hobie in her parking space Hobie Tiger: previously ranked 2nd in world championships Boyfriend: Previously ranked world champ (age has caught up slightly, so results have declined) If you are interested in either of the above please let me know asap – not willing to trade boyfriend for anything older than a 1964 model – also no swops for men with ex wives please. NO RETURNS !”
Fish Hoek, Southern Peninsula
Gumtree selected these gem ads to go in their hall of fame:
Volkswagen Golf for Sale: R20,000
“I have my black VW Golf for sale. Only Rolled once, interior still in very good condition. contact me if interested”
Eastern Pretoria, Pretoria / Tshwane
Wife for sale
“Im selling my wife of two years… She doesnt cook or clean… She doesnt work.. She only eats at spur and wants her own house while i should remain in a flat Make your offer.. Aslong as she is out Lol”
Inner City, Johannesburg
Help shave my legs
“Urgent! Summer is almost here and my legs are hairy as a monkey’s butt from winter, so I am looking for someone to shave it off for me. It’s going to be hot, and I need to shave off my hair jersey. I will pay well. Please note I have serious hair. Lawnmower-breaking stuff. I absolutely hate shaving my legs, and wax hurts too much (I’ve tried).
I’m willing to pay someone to come to my house and shave them for me, maybe twice a week. I’ll take a shower so my legs and hair are clean and soft (or at least as much as possible). But for the initial shave it’s usually most successful if we do an additional good scrubbing when you get here right before we start cutting down the trees, so the first scrubbing and shaving usually takes a few hours. Picture included for to give you an idea of the task at hand. The other times should be more like 30 minutes, but you’re welcome to stay.
I’ll provide all the equipment you’ll need, like shaving foam, body scrub, towels, veet razor, and lotion (for afterwards – gotta get my silk on). All you need is yourself and your awesome shaving skills. The pay is negotiable, but seeing as this is a long term project, maybe I can pay per month. Get in touch and let’s get my legs looking sexy for Tiger Tiger this season! Serious inquiries only. No pervs – I’m all man.”
Bryanston, Johannesburg
Up and coming tattoo artist
“I just built my very own tattoo gun and would love to work on my first client! Up until now I’ve merely been practising on myself, and have perfected the depth technique that doesn’t cause infection through trial and error. Massive discount for being my first client!”
Bloemfontein, Free State
Missing pet turtle: Negotiable
“Our family pet turtle escaped with stealthy ninja quickness under the cover of darkness and an overlooked hole in the fence. Answers to the name Lightning. He could not have gotten far. However, the recent Ninja Turtle movie has only served to emboldened him. He’s very sneaky, and he thinks he’s quite fast, so if you catch up to him and he gives you the stink eye, keep your determination unwavering. Generous reward, but must be returned with shell intact.”
Potchefstroom, North West
1962 International truck-car *Rare Collectors Item*: R10,000
“It has every optional feature that a normal car has:
FWD (Fun While Driving)
Has a disk brake system – front wheels only (weight saving feature)
Has 1 air bag that is in working order (kind of)
Has vintage Oldsmobile dash with tilt cruise and hint of mildew
Manual power seats
Air-Con did work (once)
Lights work (every now and then)
Racing spoiler for that added aerodynamic efficiency
Gullwing style bonnet mechanism
Has alloy (plated) hubcaps
Has a Pontiac Grand Am rear with the original duel exhaust (of a Toyota Corolla)
The car is fuel injected (most of the time)
There are no warning lights showing any cause for concern within the car (they kept flashing so I got rid of them)
Stylish (decorative) emergency lights on roof
4 tone colour scheme
No extra cost for character added by weld spots
I’ve probably put twice as much into this project as what i’m selling for. I’d like to iterate once more how much of a rarity this vehicle is and how popular it is with attracting babes. Absolute chick magnet.”
Gordon’s Bay, Helderberg
Premium South African hail for sale
“Love winter? Want to make it last forever? Well now you can with my premium brand of authentically South African frozen hail. I’ve spent all winter collecting fresh hail from all around the country and then freezing it in my specially design hail freezer. It’s well-packaged for gifts and has plenty of different and interesting uses. Use it in music videos, photos, drinks or anything you can think of! Cool down this summer with your very own South African hail, fresh out of your freezer. I charge R500 per 10kg bag and am willing to negotiate for bulk. I have a ton of hail but I’m sure it will sell out quickly so hurry!
Stay cool, buy hail.”
Port Alfred, Eastern Cape
Parachute for sale
“Used parachute for sale. No strings attached. Used only once.”
Tamboerskloof, Cape Town
Have you seen my cat?
(Posted without a picture.)
“Our darling, adorable kitten has been missing for days now. We are all worried sick about it. Please, if you see her call us without delay to collect the handsome reward. She answers to “Fluffy”.
Polokwane / Pietersburg, Limpopo
KDX for sale: R10,000
“Excellent Condition, Great Runner, low on fuel
Top Speed: 160km/h being towed by car
Brake System: Takkie between fork and front tyre
Average Gas usage: 0 liters per km but heavy on takkies
Have some minor scratches as I fell myself in my moer in being towed and overtaking the car at the stop
Petrol lever sometimes sticks causing some frustration
You need to tighten the chain with a wire so the back wheel will turn freely, otherwise you will fall and die
Paint job is custom faded green from the sun at no extra cost
Overall great condition but the seller takes no responsibility after it leaves the yard
Please note that average speed will depend on how fast you can run and the brakes depends on the quality of your takkies’ soles
Includes emergency brake, if you’re not gonna make it, just put your foot down on the sidestand and lean towards that side for an abrupt stop”
Graaff-Reinet, Eastern Cape
For sale/trade: Hobie Tiger or Boyfriend – both finished 2nd at the Hobie worlds 2013
“HOBIE TIGER OR BOYFRIEND NEED NEW HOME I am looking for a sailor who is crafty, and quick. Someone who can hitch and tow my boyfriends Hobie in 0.1 seconds off of my driveway- alt on Saturday I could arrange for the house to be empty, should the sailor be slow and drunk. Hobie Tiger condition: 10 years old, in good cond. aside from a few dings due to bad driving on the start line Boyfriend condition:- about 49.9 years old, bit shagged out due to a young girlfriend driving him mad about a Hobie in her parking space Hobie Tiger: previously ranked 2nd in world championships Boyfriend: Previously ranked world champ (age has caught up slightly, so results have declined) If you are interested in either of the above please let me know asap – not willing to trade boyfriend for anything older than a 1964 model – also no swops for men with ex wives please. NO RETURNS !”
Fish Hoek, Southern Peninsula
